So I wrote this blog two weeks ago because I was having an overwhelming day and I'm just now posting it because one of my amazing friends made my blog but wouldn't give me the password until finals were over! So here is my blog from a couple weeks ago:
I’m sitting here in my apartment today after a long and intense day. First of all, my sister in Christ, Lindsey is making my blog for me, but is not yet allowing me to blog, not until finals are over another two weeks. But I couldn’t resist, God has just been exploding my heart today and I just had to explode my heart a little bit myself. So…first was just class, then I went to my bible study with all my YL leader friends and we learned a lot about a couple, Mike and Cabell Sweeney. Shawn is the YL area director where I was a leader and Kathryn his wife has been pouring into me for the past two and half years and now Kathryn leads this bible study. Mike was Shawn’s YL leader who mentored him and was the man God used to bring Shawn to himself.Sweeney has been battling cancer and died just a week before Easter. Kathryn has kept us updated on the situation as the two were really close, we had prayed for them as a small group and learned a lot about Sweeney and his wife Cabell. Although I’ve never met either of them they both seem like two of the most amazing and influential people for a lot of people and their walks with Christ. Sweeney touched thousands of lives just by allowing God to move through him. Cabell has been writing a journal online for people to read about Sweeney and her feelings toward the situation (Mike’s cancer and death). I have never met a women as strong as her and able to trust in the Lord so much amidst her darkest moment. Instead, she even looks at it as one of her brighter moments in the fact that God allowed her to be a part of this! She admits her suffering but relies on Christ for strength. After that I had a conversation with a very close friend of mine. Only this friend is really hard to get much closer to because she doesn’t understand nor does she even care to understand my relationship with Christ and what He means to me and my life, the fact that He is my life. She believes in Him, but doesn’t realize there is a WHOLE lot more than that to God!! She doesn’t think it’s even important to go to church or bible study, or even talk about it for that matter, a little prayer once in a while is plenty. Then I went to my small group tonight, but instead we went to a bigger bible study which was incredible. They did it questions and answers style this night, and it was incredible. They talked about some incredible questions like, is it possible to lose salvation, how was salvation obtained before Christ came, and what do you tell someone who thinks that church isn’t important as a Christian, that it is in fact very important. These questions hit me hard! I have been struggling with the fact that some of my very close friends say they are Christians, but they don’t realize there is a difference between that and following Christ! I mean heck, Satan believes in God, but he doesn’t follow Him. As my mind runs through this very intense day of thoughts, MY LIFE HAS TO CHANGE! I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us! Oh how He loves us! It hit me today, that Sweeney and Cabell are no different from me other than the fact that they allow God to move through them and truly want to do with their lives whatever means it takes to bring God the most glory! I want my life to reflect God in a way that people look at my life and coming running to Christ. Yet recently it feels as if my life has done quite the opposite in many instances and I it makes me wonder if I am doing something majorly wrong. Sometimes I feel as though I’m not producing fruit in Christ, and I’m tired of standing still, I am so overwhelmed with emotions and just want to go out and do something amazing for His kingdom. But God is continuously telling me everyday “sit at His feet, drink the cup in His hand, lay against Him and breathe, and to feel His heart beat.” God has been doing a lot of growing in me this year and a lot of teaching. I’ve always tried to be a leader and God has taken me out of those positions so that He can teach me to rest in Him and to be intimate with Him. It has been incredible! And now, I stand at a point where I am so impatient, excited, and a little bit nervous to see what God has planned next in my life! All I know is that my life is going to make a change for His name sake. I want to be blessed by Him by being a part in bringing millions of people to Christ! God says to ask, and He will give the nations to you (Psalm 2)! That’s what makes me nervous yet excited, the fact that God has a HUGE plan, and I have no idea what that is, nor can I fathom it!
